To Pee or Not to Pee...
I should've known it. I just should've known it.
One day last week I was drinking some coffee and looking over
the morning paper. It's the typical workday morning ritual for me,
just as I'm sure it is for a lot of ya'll out there. Most times, I
can get through the paper in about five or ten minutes. This time,
because the paper had a couple of good, lengthy articles in it, I
decided to drink a second cup of coffee. No big deal, I
thought.
You see, it takes me maybe twenty five minutes to get to work.
So I figure, hey, I can drink the extra cup and its no big deal,
because in twenty-five minutes I'll be strolling into a bathroom.
Perfect logic, right'
Well yes, it was, except on this particular morning I pulled out
onto I-75 South. I drove for a few minutes, then veered off onto
I-16, and continued on my way to work. I passed the Centreplex, the
Spring Street exit, and whipped around the first curve. And there,
at that point, I did something else.
I stopped. Totally, completely stopped.
The problem was, my bladder was sending me a fairly urgent
message that I needed to listen to it, but there wasn't a whole lot
I could do. We were stopped cold, and cars were backed up as far as
my eyes could see.
Dog Poo
In Southern Germany in a town by the name of Bayreuth, the German
police are in a quandary. The town's dog poo is .....
It's funny what you think about at times like this. At first I
figured it was no big deal, probably something minor, and I was
guessing I'd be back on my way in no time. And I kept thinking
that, until about fifteen more minutes passed, and I'd moved maybe
twenty feet. At that point, I figured I might be there a little bit
longer than I'd anticipated. And the message coming in from my
bladder had grown a bit more intense.
And we were still pretty much stopped.
I decided distraction was in order. I whipped out an Elvis
cassette, and listened to him sing "Always on My Mind." I've always
loved that song, and the way Elvis sings it. It's a nice mid-tempo
song. And it really did help distract me, for the three or four
minutes it lasted. The perfect song for my situation - nice and
soothing.
Right after it, a Chuck Berry rocker called "Promised Land" came
on. No way you could miss it, the lead guitar player blasted out a
spirited opening riff, and the bass just thumped. The drummer then
kicked in, punctuating each pulse of that bass. And those pulses
were hitting me right where it hurts, and making my dilemma
worse.
And we were still a good five miles from the exit.
A Georgia
Superhero!
One thing I've loved since I was a little boy were superheroes.
Believe me, I read so many Superman and .....
We began to move a bit more quickly, but it was still bumper to
bumper. After twenty more minutes, I learned what the hold-up was.
A semi full of newspapers had collided with a semi full of
chickens. I kid y'all not - there were crates of chickens all over
the median, some still inside them, and some were running like
crazy off into the woods to escape their fates. And even though by
this point I had sweat beading up on my forehead, I had to laugh at
a couple of guys who were running after these chickens. They chased
them through some pine trees, and I've never seen as many white
feathers scattered over an area as I did on this day. Colonel
Sanders would've been salivating if he could have been there. And
once I got past all the debris, I found I could drive normally
again as the road ahead was clear as crystal.
So I drove to work - fast. Did I break the speed limit' Yes. Why
would I risk that' I guess I figured a speeding ticket would be a
whole lot cheaper and easier to explain that an indecent exposure
rap. So I flew to work, ran inside my office, and went from panic
to complete calm in about thirty seconds.
Ya'll may wonder at this point just what is the moral of this story
is' The truthful answer is, absolutely nothing. It's just not
everyday that I drink two cups of coffee and then get stopped on
the way to work because a semi full of chickens runs into a semi
full of newspapers. And I decided I wanted to tell you about it.
Read me next week if you want a story with a moral...
About the Author
Ed's latest book, "Rough As A Cob," can be ordered by calling
River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He's also a
popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of
Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at:
ed3@ed-williams.com, or
through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.
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