Helping Fidel Out

The Government Palace, or Palacio de la Revoluci n, offers a magnificent view of Havana's harbor and nearby beaches. The ocean's tropical blue color is the perfect background for the palms trees, the white fishing boats and the lively rhythm of the Malec n. "Una vista estupenda, eh?" I turned around quickly and faced Fidel. He was partially hidden by a cloud of a seducing Pantoja N. 10, standing just inside the door of his sitting room where I had been ushered a few minutes before. He looked pale and a bit worn out as a result of that mysterious ailment of his. "M s que estupenda" I replied in my impeccable Spanish and mentally thanked Uncle Sam for all those years in Torrej n, the Air Force base outside Madrid.

He sat down behind his massive wood carved desk whose appearance conjured a vision of a couple of solid silver candelabra, heavy books on the table, a crucifix on the wall behind and a solemn looking bald headed Inquisitor sitting where Fidel was. "Comandante, have you thought about your retirement? You know, the State Department can arrange for at least a dozen locations where you can spend your declining years in peace and contentment

Fidel, dressed in his olive green fatigues, continued to puff on a Pantoja and was soon hidden behind a glorious cloud of the fragrant poison. He gave the impression of a green mattress on fire. He laughed out loud and said:

"You sound like a funeral parlor director. What is this jazz about peace and contentment? There is a lot of work to be done. Did you know that there are 25 countries in the Caribbean Basin area? Do you know that the combined economy of this group exceeds eight hundred billion dollars annually and that trade runs at over 400 billion a year? And the area, with the fourth largest trading volume in the world is just coming into its own. And you want me to retire!" "Well, Comandante, the other 24 members of this group are established democracies and they wish for Cuba to be one also. Some sort of transition is in order. . " "I get the message."

He poured some more Rum and Coke from the silver and crystal pitcher into his glass and motioned for me to push my own glass toward him. I did so and observed: "Cuba Libre is great!" He looked at me and smiled. He fixed his gaze on the palm trees swaying in the breeze and the azure ocean beyond the Malec n and said: "S se or! Cuba Libre is great! Thanks to me, amigo. Cuba has never been free until the day I came down off the hills into Havana. First, it was the Spaniards who owned the island. Then the Church. For a while, we had the British, French and Dutch pirates running things here. Then we had a pretty gang of self-proclaimed aristocrats supporting a degenerate army Sergeant. The only Cuba Libre all that time was the drink!"

"Comandante, we know that your retirement day is coming. It is clear that you can not opt for retirement in Cuba. Have you thought about another place?" "Despite his advanced years and his recent illness, he still projects an image of vitality and optimism. He smiles easily and with the same propensity he can turn aggressive and sarcastic. He pointed a finger at me and in a low voice said: "Well, it is probably true that I will have to leave one of these days. I am getting old and I want to write my memoirs before it is too late. Besides, I promised Michael Korda at Simon and Schuster that I would send him the first thirty thousand pages before the next Olympics. . "

"There are many places where you could settle, Comandante"

"Well, let me list the places I don't want. For starters, Florida; too many Cubans there. Europe is too expensive and they don't have good cigars. I would have liked Spain but the Socialists and then the PP s have wrecked the country. South America is out. They seem to prefer Che Guevara and, besides, they have stopped having revolutions. They are so stable they are boring!" He let out a voluminous cloud of smoke, and looking out the window, continued: "I guess the only place left for me is the United States!" "How is that Comandante?" "Listen, I might consider a banquet circuit deal in the U.S.. I see where all your retired politicians, generals, comedians and CEO's sign these juicy contracts and get up to one hundred thousand pesos per speech. And a free meal! Where else but in America, son?" "But you must keep in mind that you are not exactly a favorite son, Comandante" "No problema. A couple of appearances in the Jay Leno and Dave Letterman shows, a chat with Tim, some deep analysis with Larry King and one afternoon with Oprah and I will be more popular than Antonio Banderas."

"I don't know, Comandante. The State Department has its own guidelines. They will probably help you make the transition from active Caribbean dictator to retired Caribbean Dictator" "Great! Besides, if we are going to do some trading with your State Department, I might ask for a few things. For instance, I want to take golf lessons with Lee Trevino. I am too old for baseball. I want tickets to the World Series and I want McDonald's to include Arroz con Pollo in their menus. . "

"Anything else?" "Do you think I can be eligible for Social Security benefits?"