HOLIDAY IN HADES?
Copyright by Theolonius McTavish 2004. All rights reserved.
HOLIDAY IN HADES'
-- Or, more about life in the nether world from Our Man in Hades
--
Who says things never change in Hades'
To remain competitive with "high-performance" earth-bound products
and "excellent" customer service ratings in Paradise, the
underworld Inferno (affectionately known as "the abyss"), has
spruced things up a bit to satisfy the growing demands of
well-heeled travellers.
Dog Poo
In Southern Germany in a town by the name of Bayreuth, the German
police are in a quandary. The town's dog poo is .....
A review of HOT press releases, (those emanating from the "Hades
Office of Tourism"), indicates that major continuous improvement
initiatives are now underway.
Big changes are taking place following a comprehensive 360-degree,
year-long audit of "Devil-May-Care" brand products and co-branded
"Hot-To-Trot" service offerings.
Visitors (from Purgatory) and permanent residents (of Pandemonium)
will be pleased to learn that the following improvements are being
made to make their stay more worry-free and enjoyable.
-- The Department of Highways has announced that it plans to
provide better signage warning prospective visitors that, "The Road
to Hades is paved with good intentions but due to budgetary
cutbacks, visitors are asked to fill in any potholes they come
across with their own brand of excuses".
-- The Ministry of Justice has indicated that it intends to remedy
the lack of peace, order and good government by appointing a
Devil's Advocate Support Counsellor for victims of heavenly hopes
and delightful dreams who may have slid between the many cracks,
nooks or crannies commonly found in Hades.
-- The Hades Public Service Commission has announced that it will
henceforth abolish inflammatory words like "damnation" from public
policy manuals as it has been shown to reduce the productivity of
bureaucrats and mandarins alike.
-- Pandemonium Hotels & Suites, having read their
customer-response cards, are now pleased to launch a "bed of nails"
weekend spa special designed to attract a new niche market -- the
hard-to-please, mud-in-your-eye, pain-in-the-butt clientele.
Are We
Too Competitive?
Are we too competitive'
Are you a little competitive' Would you consider yourself a RAGING
MANIAC when it comes to a good competition' Welcome .....
-- Fire & Brimstone Retailers plan to hold monthly "Red Devil
Days" in order to meet an overwhelming demand for "Faustian
bargains" on crimson-red flame-retardant satin body suits with
matching slippers, three-pronged stainless steel pitch forks,
"holy" smoke alarms, fragance-free foam fire extinguishers, not to
mention ruby-red plaque-fighting mouthwash.
-- Bottomless-Pit Fast-Food Franchises are also proud to announce
expanded menu selections including Vixen Vegan Stir-Fry, low-carb
Hades "Hot" Dogs, plus low-calorie Pluto-Pepper-Pizzas and
Sassy-Soy-Styxs.
-- The Ministry of Hot Air has responded positively to negative
comments, received from the "Beelzebub & Friends Society",
regarding the insipid flavor of the potable water supply and
nasal-impairments caused by the fetid air quality. Residents will
be relieved to know that the big "Blue Blazes" blast furnaces
(owned by the Everlasting Fire & Crispy Roasting Corp.) must
reduce noxious gas emissions by 20%, under the terms and conditions
of the Hot Air & Hot Aqua (HAHA) Treaty.
-- To address the auditory-challenges of lost souls and departed
spirits (i.e. valued Freedom-55ers of the lower world), the volume
on JINX-98.5FM (Sisyphus Rock & Roll Radio) will be cranked up
a notch or two, while glow-in-the-dark ear-plugs and virtual
reality hard hats will be issued to youthful yahoo patrons of the
Dungeons & Dragons Night Club.
A Moment Of
Magic!
Laughter may or may not be a shock, relieved, but its' therapeutic
effects are recognised in most cultures. It allows a positive
distractive .....
-- Satan's Storm Centre has responded to suggestions from wicked
witches, testy trolls, and someone called "The Man from UNCLE" who
want a simple, color-coordinated 24/7 emergency alert system (which
has been reduced to 10 shades of red) and one prominent canary
yellow button marked "Panic" (indicating it's definitely time to
move to Plan B whatever that is).
Additional suggestions to improve the quality of life in Hades
should be addressed to The Head Honcho, Hades Office of Tourism,
112 Hot House Boulevard, HADES.
NOTE: If your letter returns with "address unknown" marked on the
envelope, you'll know that you've been spared a wonderland vacation
to Perdition (the place of fallen angels). So rejoice ... and as
they say in leisure industry lingo, "Have a Nice Day"!
About the Author
Theolonius McTavish, is a roving reporter and eccentric travel
consultant covering out-of-the-way spots and unusual on-line
destinations such as "The Quipping Queen" http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com
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