A WORD ABOUT "INTELLIGENT" SHOES & DUMB SOULS
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
A WORD ABOUT "INTELLIGENT" SHOES & DUMB SOULS
-- Or, Boosting Your Boots' IQ ...But Still Running Around in
Circles' --
All That Flapping About Has To Stop
What a pleasant man that Rick Stein is. Only the other night, as I
tucked into Mrs Holmes' latest offering and flicked through the
channels .....
By Professor Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, a latitudinarian linguist
from the University of Ecum Secum in Old Sweat, Nova Scotia (with
an abiding interest in the history of fetish footwear, how an Old
Mother managed to raise her brood in a shoe, and why one sportswear
company decided to market an 'intelligent' sneaker in a world full
of tortoises and hares with two left feet)
The other day I set out on a scientific expedition of sorts to
figure out if "smart technology" had been invented by a handful of
"smart alecks", "smart assess" and "smarty pants" to aid the
ineffectual, inept and incompetent who populate the planet.
Judging from our wide wide world of wonk, we have a fine array of
wayward souls to choose from including dingbats, dorks, dumbbells,
dunderheads, and dweebs (plus their close-relatives, the affable
but nevertheless intellectually-impaired nincompoops,
ninny-hammers, nudniks, and numskulls), it's difficult to see just
who "smart technology" would appeal to.
Being an 'egghead', I'm used to living on the margins of society
with 'nerdy geeks' and 'aliens from outer space'. Like my humble
companions, I'm committed to undertaking a perilous journey in
search of the 'Big Bang' (the event that gave birth to the blessed
universe), the 'Big Bird' (the one who presides over the entire
blinking place), and the 'Big Bad Wolf' (the darned devil in
disguise who makes a mess by eating little grannies and blowing
houses down just for the heck of it).
My first inkling that we had a problem was a glance at my on-line
vault of vacuous thoughts, vapid experiences and very vexing pieces
of misinformation. Sure enough, my super-duper search engine
revealed some delightfully dubious data:
Dog Poo
In Southern Germany in a town by the name of Bayreuth, the German
police are in a quandary. The town's dog poo is .....
' 125,000 web pages devoted to 'smart technology' (with another
818,000 web pages dedicated to 'smart people') and
' 587 web pages dedicated to 'dumb technology' (with a whopping
4,450,000 web page devoted to 'dummies', and an additional 129,000
web pages exposing all manner of things about 'dumb people').
Clearly these trivial tidbits of truth leave a lot to be desired.
One could easily conclude, erroneously of course, that our lonely
planet is inhabited by a plethora of 'dummies'. The first clue
might be the fact that the 'dumbfounded' elements of our society
appear to outnumber the 'smarty pant' folks by a factor of 4:1.
Second, it would appear that 'intelligent' tools and technologies
do not rank high on everyone's hit parade of 'fun' things to do or
play with, (judging from the long list of consumer complaints and
the short list of extraterrestrials who've actually dropped by for
a peek at this peculiar place or declined to leave hospitable
greetings).
It's rather amazing indeed that 'smart' folks with their 'smart
personal object technology' - (SPOT) are so featherbrained about
what makes life worth living. I grew up with 'Think & Do' books
featuring the adventures of Dick and Jane together with their
animal companions, (a cat named PUFF and a dog called SPOT).
Today's kids grow up with a remote control device in their hands so
they can flick on the latest lessons about life from 'Big Bird' or
the 'Teletubblies'. Frankly since "SPOT" is so full of bleeps,
blips and blotchy blobs, it's not surprising the 'digital
do-gooders' have written books about how to help the
'digitally-challenged' adjust to 'virtual reality'.
But, 'real people' do not fall in love with 'robots' or
'intelligent' toys, and clearly know the difference between a
"Barbie" doll and a Playboy "bunny". They like simple, affordable,
easy-to-use things that bring them a sense of joy not pain in the
brain. And believe it or not, some still like the feel of cold hard
cash under a mattress, rather than an unpleasant surprise involving
fraud-prone 'smart' cards (a.k.a. plastic money) and
hacker-friendly on-line banking systems.
On the other hand, while males prefer dogs (that chew bones and
bark up the wrong trees), females prefer cats (who keep a clean
place and know when hissing and clawing pays off so they never end
up in the doghouse). So, like it or not, PUFF - (Personally Useless
Facts & Fluff), appeals to everyone regardless of age, race,
color, creed, and religion 'especially those who have a penchant
for tripping the light fantastic in spite of the fact that they've
got two-left feet and can't do the Highland Fling, hate bagpipe
melodies, and wouldn't wear a kilt in public unless it comes with a
pair of fashionable briefs.
The 'deeply digital world' in which we live may have been created
by the "Guru of Gobbledygook", but the GODDESS OF GLITCH still
knows when to throw an agonizing little analog aardvark into
'systems' devised by 'smart people' with swelled heads who think
machines are more intelligent than their often muddle-headed
makers.
Why are 'smart' folk with 'soft-skills' spending an inordinate
amount of time and money trying to make everyday 'hard' objects
'intelligent' (be they appliances, blinds, books, cars, drills,
key-chains, paint, sneakers, telephones, or wristwatches)' Why are
they so interested in taking these objects 'beyond their core
functions'' Why can't they live a day without a gadget, gewgaw, or
GPS gizmo guiding their every move'
When 80% of us don't need or use the 'cutting-edge' new features of
these everyday things, when we can't be bothered to scroll through
a CD-ROM 'help' manual to find the "off" button, and don't have
time to take an advanced software course to learn how to program a
VCR not to mention how to stop it flashing 12:00 am, it's time for
a hair transplant and a nifty new 'plug and play' tune ' 'Get Your
Latest Smart Software With Grunt Work Included for only three easy
payments of $29.95 plus shipping and handling charges'!
'Smarty-pants' may have invented all those 'productive' pocket
technology devices but, fractured fingers and fried brains are a
testament to the damage caused by being tethered to them 24/7. Far
from visions of 'sugar plums dancing in one's head', or just a good
night's sleep, the daunting number of daffy devices and
incompatible technologies are leading to system screw-ups,
BotBattles, and even Robotic Inchworm Drill Flops on Mars!
Stop talking to your PC. Quit running around with your digital
camera to capture an artificially-intelligent dinosaur roaming free
in Disney Theme Park. And, forget about the latest 'smart' night
vision on your vehicle; (you shouldn't be driving anyway, you've
had one too many 'smart' drinks fortified with Gingko Baloba for
your own good)!
Why not just take things easy, smell the roses, kiss the Blarney
Stone, and whatever you do, share some good-old fashioned
fairytales with friends or family ...and include a pitcher of fresh
milk (courtesy of a contented cow) plus a plate of real cookies
(courtesy of Mom's favorite recipe)!!
About the Author
Dr. Ovid Publius Hadweenzic has a gift of the gab which has
taken him far in life including many odd places like
http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com/
|